Thursday, June 16, 2011
bath tub test
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to a mental hospital, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you want a bed near the window?"
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you want a bed near the window?"
true story of a 6year old fireman
If you "tear up" go ahead, who's watching?
In Calgary, Alberta a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.
Although her heart was filled with sadness,
she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up &
fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible..
the leukemia would see to that. But she still
wanted her son's dream to come true.
She took her son' s hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted
to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would
do with your life?'
Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman
when I grew up.'
Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can
make your wish come true.'
Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Calgary , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Alberta
She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible
to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at
seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make
him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us,
go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!
And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform
for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy - one-with the emblem of the Calgary Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'
'They're all manufactured right here in Calgary ,
so we can get them fast.'
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy,
dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.
Billy got to sit on the back of the truck
and help steer it back to the fire station.
He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Calgary that day
and Billy got to go out on all three calls.
He rode in the different fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van,
and even the fire chief's car.
He was also videotaped for the
local news program.
Having his dream come true,
with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to
drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed
in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent
as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and
asked if it would be possible to send a fireman
in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, 'We can do better than that.
We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?
When you hear the sirens screaming and see the
lights flashing, will you announce over the
PA system that there is not a fire?'
'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will
you open the window to his room?'
About five minutes later a
hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------
16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room
With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.
With
His dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'
'Billy, you are, and
The Head Chief,
Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said
With those words, Billy smiled and said,
'I know, He's
been holding my hand all day, and
The angels have been
Singing..'
He closed his eyes one last time.
My
Instructions were to send this to at least four
People that I
wanted God to bless and I picked you.
Please pass this to at
least four people you
want
to be blessed.
This
story is powerful and there is nothing attached.
PLEASE
do not break this pattern.
Uplifting stories are one of the best
gifts we receive.
There is no cost, but a lot of rewards, let's
continue to uplift one another!
This is a true story
Although her heart was filled with sadness,
she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up &
fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible..
the leukemia would see to that. But she still
wanted her son's dream to come true.
She took her son' s hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted
to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would
do with your life?'
Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman
when I grew up.'
Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can
make your wish come true.'
Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Calgary , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Alberta
She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible
to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at
seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make
him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us,
go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!
And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform
for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy - one-with the emblem of the Calgary Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'
'They're all manufactured right here in Calgary ,
so we can get them fast.'
Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy,
dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.
Billy got to sit on the back of the truck
and help steer it back to the fire station.
He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Calgary that day
and Billy got to go out on all three calls.
He rode in the different fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van,
and even the fire chief's car.
He was also videotaped for the
local news program.
Having his dream come true,
with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to
drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed
in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent
as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and
asked if it would be possible to send a fireman
in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.
The chief replied, 'We can do better than that.
We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?
When you hear the sirens screaming and see the
lights flashing, will you announce over the
PA system that there is not a fire?'
'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will
you open the window to his room?'
About five minutes later a
hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------
16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room
With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.
With
His dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,
'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'
'Billy, you are, and
The Head Chief,
Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said
With those words, Billy smiled and said,
'I know, He's
been holding my hand all day, and
The angels have been
Singing..'
He closed his eyes one last time.
My
Instructions were to send this to at least four
People that I
wanted God to bless and I picked you.
Please pass this to at
least four people you
want
to be blessed.
This
story is powerful and there is nothing attached.
PLEASE
do not break this pattern.
Uplifting stories are one of the best
gifts we receive.
There is no cost, but a lot of rewards, let's
continue to uplift one another!
This is a true story
Happy Birthday Poems
Hope lovely surprises are coming your wayTo make your Birthday a wonderful day
Smiles and laughter, joy and cheerNew happiness that stays throughout the year
Hope your birthday brings all these and more
Filling life with surprise and joys galore!
So on this very special dayI would like to say to you
I hope you'll always find happiness
In whatever you may do.
Another candle on your cakeWell there's no need to pout
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow them all out!
Wishing you your happiest birthday yetA birthday too special To ever forget.
So many wishesSo many smiles
Too many memories
Too few words
With one big Birthday
Happy Birthday!
It's your birthday and I can't be thereBut I'll send you a special birthday wish and a little prayer
Have a happy birthday
I hope that all of your birthday wishes come true
May you have a great time today and find happiness in everything you do.
Happy Birthday form the heartCause that's where all great wishes start
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
WHAT GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ? (18+)
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of
your body goes first?
she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of
your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."
"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied,
"Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?
Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..
Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,
"OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"
THE NUN FAINTED!
THE NUN FAINTED!
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what20happened? '
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
Monday, June 13, 2011
'Never Ever Lie to a woman'
A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.
Never Ever Lie To A Woman...!!!
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. ' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'
You'll love the answer,folks......
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'
You'll love the answer,folks......
The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box! ...'
Never Ever Lie To A Woman...!!!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
circumcision
A teacher noticed that a little boy
at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down
to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly,
there was a commotion
at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk
with his 'private part' hanging out.
she said
'I thought I told you to call your mum!'
'I did,' he said,
'And she told me
that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up
from school.
at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down
to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly,
there was a commotion
at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk
with his 'private part' hanging out.
she said
'I thought I told you to call your mum!'
'I did,' he said,
'And she told me
that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up
from school.
OLD TIMERS SEX
> This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
>
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time
> we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village
> tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
>
> 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
>
> 'OK,' he s ays, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
> do it for old time's sake?'
>
> 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
> having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
> two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
> so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
>
> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
> support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the
> tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and
> the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old
> man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
> policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
> making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
> panting on the ground.
>
> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
> old age that he didn't know.
>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
> struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is
> still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to
> ask them what their secret is.
>
>
> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
> something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
> some sort of secret to this?'
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't
> an electric fence
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)