perfect breast

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

smart harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."

bill's bday

A man named Bill woke up on his birthday. His wife and kids didn't even say good morning to him. So, he left for work in a huff. His receptionist, Joanna, said happy birthday. "Thanks, Joanna. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all day." Bill relied, pleased. So he worked until his lunch break, when Joanna asked if he fancied a lunch. Instead of taking their usual lunch just outside, they went to a big beautiful bistro. " My apartment is just around the corner. Would you like to visit?" Joanna asked. "Sure, why not?" Bill replied. At her apartment, Bill sat down on the couch. Joanna said she'd be right back and stepped into the bedroom. Minutes later, she came back out followed by Bills family, friends, and co-workers. Bill just sat there... naked.

newly weds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

goblins

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

Pampanga Tourism MTV where i come from i love pampanga philippines

Philippines Beautiful Places

Philippine Tourist Spots

Ne-yo - Never knew I needed lyrics

funny baby skaters

Software engineer and his wife

Software engineer and his wife

 

 

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer

5minutes management

Lesson 1


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the storyIf you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story
Always let your boss have the first say.




Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Morals of the story(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

gotcha!!!!!!!!!!!! :P

S O M E T I M E S


Sometimes..

when you cry...

no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes...

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress.

Sometimes...

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile .


-

-
-

-
-

-
-

-
-

-

But FART!! just ONE time....

And everybody knows!!

   Gotcha!! You thought it was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

  

married life is full of excitement

bath tub test

The Bathtub Test
 

During a visit to a mental hospital, I asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
 teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

 "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug.. Do you want a bed near the window?"

How to keep fit without going to the Health Centres

---

true story of a 6year old fireman

If you "tear up" go ahead, who's watching?

In Calgary, Alberta a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.

Although her heart was filled with sadness,
she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up &
fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible..
the leukemia would see to that. But she still
wanted her son's dream to come true.

She took her son' s hand and asked,
'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted
to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would
do with your life?'

Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman
when I grew up.'

Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can
make your wish come true.'

Later that day she went to her local fire
Department in Calgary , where she met
Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Alberta

She explained her son's final wish and
Asked if it might be possible
to give her 6 year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can do
better than that. If you'll have your son ready at
seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make
him an honorary Fireman for the whole day.
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us,
go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!

And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform
for him, with a real fire hat - not a toy - one-with the emblem of the Calgary Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'

'They're all manufactured right here in Calgary ,
so we can get them fast.'


Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy,
dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.

Billy got to sit on the back of the truck
and help steer it back to the fire station.
He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Calgary that day
and Billy got to go out on all three calls.

He rode in the different fire engines,
the Paramedic's' van,
and even the fire chief's car.

He was also videotaped for the
local news program.

Having his dream come true,
with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.

One night all of his vital signs began to
drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed
in the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.

Then she remembered the day Billy had spent
as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and
asked if it would be possible to send a fireman
in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.

The chief replied, 'We can do better than that.
We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?

When you hear the sirens screaming and see the
lights flashing, will you announce over the
PA system that there is not a fire?'

'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will
you open the window to his room?'

About five minutes later a
hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window--------
16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room

With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.
With
His dying breath,
Billy looked up at the fire chief and said,

'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'

'Billy, you are, and
The Head Chief,
Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said


With those words, Billy smiled and said,
'I know, He's
been holding my hand all day, and
The angels have been
Singing..'

He closed his eyes one last time.




My
Instructions were to send this to at least four
People that I
wanted God to bless and I picked you.

Please pass this to at
least four people you
want
to be blessed.
This
story is powerful and there is nothing attached.

PLEASE
do not break this pattern.
Uplifting stories are one of the best
gifts we receive.
There is no cost, but a lot of rewards, let's
continue to uplift one another!

This is a true story

funny wedding

  

Happy Birthday Poems

Hope lovely surprises are coming your way
To make your Birthday a wonderful day

Smiles and laughter, joy and cheer
New happiness that stays throughout the year
Hope your birthday brings all these and more
Filling life with surprise and joys galore!

So on this very special day
I would like to say to you
I hope you'll always find happiness
In whatever you may do.

Another candle on your cake
Well there's no need to pout
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow them all out!

Wishing you your happiest birthday yet
A birthday too special To ever forget.

So many wishes
So many smiles
Too many memories
Too few words
With one big Birthday
Happy Birthday!

It's your birthday and I can't be there
But I'll send you a special birthday wish and a little prayer
Have a happy birthday
I hope that all of your birthday wishes come true
May you have a great time today and find happiness in everything you do.

Happy Birthday form the heart
Cause that's where all great wishes start

the thingy

 
 
   
 

 
                                                       
 
 
 
                                                           
 
 
 
                                             
                                               
 
                                                   
 
                                                     

 
                                                           
 
 

                                             
                                               
 
                                                   

true friendship :D

WHAT GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ? (18+)

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of
your body goes first?

 

 

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

 

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied,

"Because when you pray, you hold your hands

together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

 

 

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think its your legs".

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

Now Little Johnnie, why would you think it would be your legs?

Little Johnny said,"Well I walked into mommy and daddy's bedroom the other night..

Mommy had her legs straight up in the air, and she was saying,

"OH GOD, I'M COMING!". If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her!"

THE NUN FAINTED!

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place :

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.  
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife co uld see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what20happened? '

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said.  'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly r eplied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.   'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========

gud morning every one !!!

'Never Ever Lie to a woman'

A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. ' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'
You'll love the answer,folks......

The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box! ...'

Never Ever Lie To A Woman...!!!

How men change

The Love Word: After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you! After 6 months: Of course, I love you. After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you? Back from Work: After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home! After 6 months: I'm BACK!! After 6 years: Have you cooked yet? Phone Ringing: After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone. After 6 months: Here, it's for you. After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!! Cooking: After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good! After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight? After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN?? New Dress: After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress. After 6 months: You bought a new dress again? After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me? TV: After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight? After 6 months: I like this movie. After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself! Making Love: After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight? After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!! After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!

circumcision

A teacher noticed that a little boy
at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down
to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother
and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly,
there was a commotion
at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate
only to find him sitting at his desk
with his 'private part' hanging out.
she said
'I thought I told you to call your mum!'
'I did,' he said,
'And she told me

that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up
from school.

OLD TIMERS SEX

> This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

>

> The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time

> we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village

> tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

> 

> 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

> 

> 'OK,' he s ays, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can

> do it for old time's sake?'

> 

> 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

>

> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,

> having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these

> two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them

> so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

>

> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for

> support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the

> tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and

> the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old

> man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the

> policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are

> making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,

> panting on the ground.

>

> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and

> old age that he didn't know.

> 

> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple

> struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is

> still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to

> ask them what their secret is.

> 

>

> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was

> something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there

> some sort of secret to this?'

>       

> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't

> an electric fence