-jokes time-
LEON wanted to have $ex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, LEON got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a R100 if you let me
shag you. But the girl said NO.
LEON said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have... to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for R200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, "The b*a*s*t*a*r*d used coins!

A lady went to the store to buy a parrot
and asks the sales person,
"What's so special about the parrot ?"
Sales person:
This parrot can talk So the lady asks the parrot,
... "how do I look?"
The parrot replies, "you look like a damn Slut?"
The lady gets pissed off and tells the
sales person that it's a very rude parrot
and she cannot buy it.
The sales person tells her to please wait
for 2 mins.
The sales person takes the parrot to the
back of the store and shoves the parrot
into a bucket of water and when he
pulls the parrot out he says,
"if you disrespect the lady out there, I'll
soak you in water again"
and takes the
parrot back outside.
The sales person asked thelady to ask
the parrot another question.
Lady:
"If I come home with1 man what
would you think?"
Parrot: "He's your husband"
Lady: "2 men"
Parrot: "Your husband and his brother"
Lady: "3 men"
Parrot: "Your husband, his brother &
your brother"
Lady: "4 men"
Parrot: "Bring the bucket of
water, I already told you she's a slut!"

A man & a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.

The man on the top bunk & the lady on the bottom bunk.

During the night, man woke & asked "Sorry to bother you but would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, i'm freezing!"
...
"I've a better idea" she replied, "Why don't we pretend we are married?"

"Wow what a great idea!" he said.

"Good" she said,

"Get your own blanket yourself, you lazy bastard!"

A man is sitting next to a woman who's trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus. The baby refuses to suck the breast & the mother warns, "If you don't suck, i shall give it to the man next to me ok". The baby still refuses. After about 20 mins, the woman repeats the 'threat'. The man clears his throat & says,
"Look, madam, you better make up your mind . I was suppose to get off six bus-stops ago.. xD

perfect breast

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

smart harry

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'

Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess."